The last few weeks have been extremely difficult spiritually. I feel like I am out of control. I find myself impulsively doing things that leave me shaking my head at myself. Ever since I came back from America I have been completely nuts.
We are at the square with another family and our kids are playing together, and we, the parents, are chatting. A fight breaks out, three boys are trying to cream a guy who is by himself. Suddenly I found myself in amongst it yelling at the three of them to stop. In hindsight it is fantastic that I didn’t get myself hurt. I was just overtaken with passion, I suppose, to save the guy. Here is the thing. That is not normal for me. I’m usually much more sensible than that.
Another example: The minibus drivers are always arrogant and hard to share the road with when I am on the bike. Invariably they beep their horns at you, and that precedes them cutting you off. Usually I am quite content to battle for my place on the road. They do their thing and I shake my head and move on – Mr cool calm and collected. A week or so ago I was riding and this driver did all those things again. This time I surprised myself. I went up to his door and yelled at him. If I had of known swear words in the language he understood, I think I probably would have used them. I knew he had done that purposely and I was ropable.
I am finding it hard to concentrate or sit still. I yell at the kids more than usual. I found myself crying at church the other day when we were singing. I could have jumped my wife at the shops the other day, I adored her so much! I have enjoyed life more than usual and been tempted more than usual. It could be some kind of psychosis. It could be a mid-life crisis. The thing is . . . I sort of know what is happening. I just haven’t had anything like this happen before. Someone has gone and turned up the volume control of my life. To use another analogy, I have just begun to experience life in surround sound. Life is impacting me more and remaining the passive old me is impossible.
When we were in America I was healed and released. It was something I had been praying about for a while. I was having trouble expressing myself warmly. I was writing and I was excited about the material but it came out dry. There was more to it than that but all in all I knew that my expression of passion for things was being hindered by something. We were at this conference and people were offering prayer so I took them up on that. As that man prayed the Lord showed me the problem. I had not even realised that it was there. I went outside and he told me more. It sounded like silly, inconsequential things that had happen to me. But for all their insignificance, I felt a funny sort of pain, so I figured that the Lord must have been on the money. That day, a lovely older couple there at the conference offered to pray for me the following morning. I woke up at three that morning and spent a couple of hours trying to work though this issue by myself. I knew that I was touching it but that it hadn’t moved. An hour or so later the couple came and they prayed and guided me by the spirit and the Lord was just there, showing me what to do and say. I was a wreck. Out of me came the deepest, most painful sobs. It was like someone was removing a barbed spear from my body. It was done. I just knew that I was released and this whole issue was over. I returned a different man. More alive and, for better or worse, much more expressive!
Scripture and my own experience attest to the fact that change begins in our heart and emotions. Later our minds are transformed, and then our will and desires are also changed to align with that change. I am like that guy that was by the beautiful gate. His legs were healed and he went walking and leaping and praising God. He went a little crazy with his new found faculties. I can feel more than I ever have in my life. Interestingly, my spiritual experiences are also richer. And that is my challenge right now. I know that I need to dwell in the spirit, using my spiritual senses more than my physical ones to feed my more sensitive heart. Hopefully soon, before I do any damage or get into too much trouble, my will and mind will be adjusted by heaven to harmonise with the beautiful thing the Lord has done in my heart.
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